1:01AM

What do you do when you have those sleepless nights?

What do you do when all you ever think about is truth to be told; your boyfriend and how this relationship is going. I've been having sleepless nights and I swear, I'm a train wreck. I've got ample of time right now that i ponder on things too much that it messes my head up so badly.

What do you do?
What do you do?
What do you do?

Taking a step back to clear off my mind and to see why am i unhappy for the past few days. Have he done something wrong that is making me upset constantly? Has he not been giving me the attention that I deserve more than anything? Has he not made me his priority other than his family?

I don't know. Somehow I feel underserving. I feel like there is something missing and every time I pray for it, I pray hard to know what's the missing piece.

Could it be that I'm just facing some insecurities issues about my self? To be looked upon nonetheless.

I think it started when the best friend came back from States, and all of the sudden -- everything changed. The fact that I don't go along well with the best friend is an issue already -- he makes it worst by going out constantly with her. Now, is that me -- my insecurity talking there? Hold up, no..  me thinks no.

I honestly feel that it's just me feeling that I've a say in this relationship and how some things makes me feel. Then again, whenever I voice out about the best friend feeling that I don't really like how he goes out with her often as I get annoyed by it easily -- he shuts me out. "Why? She's nice."

Yeah, nice to you and not me, love.

Have you ever felt like you've been hated for no reason and by the act of kindness, you've been hated? Yeah, she made me feel that way. If ever I'm going to give my respect to people who don't even deserve it; it's only because it's a reflection of myself. Not to please you.

I'm upset. I hate being upset.

Ever felt so undeserving to the point that all you can do is just ponder about it?

It doesn't make sense. Nothing does. I guess there's so much more for me to experience before going into one.

I don't know where I crossed the line; was it something that I said or was it something that I didn't? Please stop the rain, I can't take it any longer. Life is in fact a crazy thing, we'll have good and bad  or even in between. Heck, nothing is certain in life.

Feeling undeserving definitely is a feeling i'd want to get rid of it.

Deeper conversation, with me

February 14, the day people celebrate their love with their loved ones. Cherish the moment with one another and fill the day with extra love. I adore how people spend their v'days together - the giving chocolates and flowers part on to the candlelight dinner and so on. I've always had a good perception about valentines day, prolly cause everyone celebrates it and love is just in the air. Really, I love the concept of v'day.

I remembered last year, 14th February 2013 was one of the most mesmerising day ever. It started off with a plan to the zoo with the Shazmeer, my boyfriend and his friends. End up going to Aquaria KLCC and dinner & Pictionary at Wiwin's! Hah, wouldn't wanna end it any other way. It was so fun, probably because it was my first v'day date kinda thing? Hehe.

But today I think I lost a part of me. Parted with my soulmate/bestfriend/sister this morning. I wasn't planning to cry cause I think during my recent trip to Mecca I cried too much already to the extend that I can't help crying no more (and also, I thought I was strong enough hah, clearly I was wrong!). Then again, I lost it. The moment Aina cried, I was in tears too and it couldn't stop flowing. It was so devastating to think back on the fact that she won't be around. But hey, insyaAllah with God's will, 6 months will be fast. Hopefully! I intend to think that way. She'll do great over there as how she is now. She, no doubt, is that someone who saw me through my worst and loved me even without my make up on. Haha, I sound like I'm in a relationship with Aina that it's crazy. I love her, whole heartedly.

I'm only human.

At the end of the day, I don't have to show to people how tough, unbreakable and sturdy I am because really reality check is that I'm only human - vulnerable, soft and fragile as hell.

Because I always tell myself that someday -, 

Everything will make perfect sense. So laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, be strong and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.

Truth to be told, couldn’t agree more. 

“And I remember when I met him, it was so clear that he was the only one for me. We both knew it, right away. And as the years went on, things got more difficult – we were faced with more challenges. I begged him to stay. Try to remember what we had at the beginning.

He was charismatic, magnetic, electric and everybody knew it. When he walked in every woman’s head turned, everyone stood up to talk to him. He was like this hybrid, this mix of a man who couldn’t contain himself. I always got the sense that he became torn between being a good person and missing out on all of the opportunities that life could offer a man as magnificent as him. And in that way, I understood him and I loved him.

I loved him, I loved him, I loved him.
And I still love him. I love him.”

All those blurry lines, the heartaches, the pain I went through was all worth it. You, are worth it. I can’t describe this feeling I have inside - it’s probably the best feeling ever. I wanted a love that was consuming, something that was deep and inevitable, never thought you’d come across.